Trauma and Spiders and Magic Meow!
by Stallioness
Summary: Harry has traumatic problems, Hermione is afraid of magic, Malfoy thinks he is a girl, and Ron believes that spiders are out to get him! Oh and Voldemort is a cat! This is a humorous tale thought up by my friends and I! R&R!
1. Default Chapter

Trauma and Spiders and Magic Meow!  
  
Before this comedy starts there are a few things you need to know. This story does not strictly reside on Harry Potter. It might seem so for a while but random people will join in. I will post it on my profile if someone knew joins the crowd. Oh and the Hagrid being Harry's mother thing came from the Chicago Tribune. This is a family tree and an intro to what happened to all! (It's all mixed up on purpose!)  
Hagrid - Mr. Weasley Mrs. Weasley - Mr. Granger Harry-Pansy George, Draco, Fred  
  
Mrs. Granger - Mr. Malfoy Voldemort - Lily Potter Ginny, Ron, Percy, Crabbe, Goyle Dumbledore (Youngest to oldest)  
  
Dumbledore - Mrs. Malfoy Crookshanks - Fang Neville, Hermione Norbert, Fluffy  
Orientation:  
Harry Potter: Is experiencing trauma from his encounters with the dark lord and the responsibility he carries.  
Hermione Granger: Is now afraid of Magic but still lives in the wizarding world and goes to Hogwarts!  
Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson: These two drank a polyjuice potion when trying to find out Wood's secret for hair care. Unfortunately the polyjuice potion transformed their brains as well, which is not supposed to happen. Now Malfoy believes he is a girl and Pansy believes she is a boy!  
Voldemort: His brain was switched with a cat's he now purrs when happy and hiss's when angry. His favorite people are Harry, Hermione and Ron. But Harry is petrified of him. The cat however is going around and killing helpless muggles (and dogs for chasing him for so many years).  
Ronald Weasley: Believes that spiders are out to get him! Need I say more!  
Now that you know the predicament and the situations let the party start! (If any knew characters are wanted or come into the story they will be posted in my bio! Love y'all! Oh yes I own nothing but personalities and plots! (My friends helped!)) ;) 


	2. Chapter 1

Trauma and Spiders and Magic Meow!  
Harry Potter stumbled down the cobblestones of Diagon alley glancing here and there out of fright. He jumped as a loud scream echoed. "What is it?" he whispered to the closest man. "Shish, and you're the boy who triumphed over he who must not be named. What is the world coming to?" he muttered as he stalked off.  
  
~***********************************************************~  
  
Another scream echoed but closer. Than a woman shouting "it's the dark lord." Harry jumped up and down flapping his arms. "Save me, save me." A little girl of four pulled him down "are you mocking me?" she hissed. "N- n-n-n-no" Harry stuttered back. "Good" the little girl stalked off. Than harry heard a faint meow. "Oh it's a- no, no not the dark lord." Harry ran off Voldemort close behind mewing and meowing thinking Harry was playing a game. Harry ran into Hermione.  
  
"'Mione save me." Voldemort once more meowed as he reached the two. Hermione jumped back screaming and flailing her arms.  
  
"No magic, no magic" (trips over a stand)  
  
"Oh Herm you're such a klutz" Malfoy crooned. "If I were like that I would break a nail- **pause** or worse **pause** mess up my hair."  
  
"What is it with you girls and hair" Pansy retaliated. (The whole street is looking at them)  
  
"You just don't understand us women" Malfoy screeched back. (Drags Hermione of scene.  
  
"Ron don't you think it's pathetic" Pansy asked.  
  
"Spiders" Ron shivered "they're out to get me."  
  
"Oh don't flatter yourself" Pansy smirked "a piece of dust wouldn't care about you. So Harry doing quidditch this year?" Harry shivers uncontrollably.  
  
"Bad memories" Neville said putting and arm around Harry's shoulder.  
  
"You are all so pathetic. I would rather hang out with the girls."  
  
"Hey Harry" came a voice. Harry spun in anxious circles, looking. "Down here" the voice said, annoyed. Harry looked down to find and orange cat with green eyes.  
  
"Oh aren't you a cute kitty-"  
  
"Shut up before I kill you" it spat "don't you recognize me?" Harry thought and thought until- "I'm Voldemort" it yelled" your arch enemy."  
  
"I think I would recognize him but if you say so" said Harry backing up but still laughing at the prospect of Voldemort being a cat. Hermione and Malfoy walked in talking about nails and Malfoy giving Hermione a makeover. That was when Hermione saw the cat.  
  
"No magic" she screeched. Running into Ollivander's Wands she quickly ran out. This happened with Madame Malkins Robes for all Occasions and The Magical Menagerie, and Florish and Blotts. "I give up" she yelled "falling to her knees in the middle of a busy but still crowd. "I can't get away it's always around me. Here, there, even at home. Why won't it just leave me alone?" (After this spiel the crowd returns to their daily activities muttering about crazy kids.)  
  
"And why would you want it to leave you alone?" the cat asked Hermione.  
  
Hermione curled up into a ball "I'm afraid of magic okay. Now leave me alone."  
  
"Ha **laughs evilly** Part of my plan worked out. Except for the stupid cat thing. Wormtail when I get my body back-"  
  
"Wormtail, you mean old scabbers" Ron said cheerfully "he was never afraid of spiders. I WISH HE WAS HERE NOW." Ron starts bawling.  
  
Neville spoke to the crowd of people "do not be alarmed it is but a mere -" No more was said. Neville was dead.  
  
Harry piped up "was that supposed to happen? When was the last time you heard of a good person dying?"  
  
Hermione smiled took out a script flipped a few pages in and triumphantly cheered "he gets another life." Going to Neville she shook him awake "Neville you get another life." "But that's impossible" he muttered "I'm dead." There was a long pause and then-  
  
"Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy do they always get to live yet I get to sulk around like some-"  
  
Harry leaned in and whispered to the cat "you might not want to talk people may start getting suspicious." The cat growls angrily at Harry.  
  
"I hate you" it hissed.  
  
"Nice to know now be a good kitty.  
  
"But I'm not a kitty" it yelled, "I'm the dark lord." Sighing deeply it gave up as Harry laughed.  
  
"I've come to a decision" Hermione announced "I'm going to leave to get away from magic. Maybe it won't follow me this time." The cat sniggered. Hermione pranced off screaming at any little spell thrown her way.  
  
**The end**  
  
Disclaimer and A/N: Completely pointless but that should compel you to review so you can receive more pointless joy. Also since you don't know the true reason why they are the way they are you'll just have to keep checking for updates. **Sigh** Don't you love the way I put you to torture. And no don't scowl. Anyway a few new things. Neville is smart. Dumbledore acts like a baby. And Hagrid hates animals. Enjoy!! ;) (And don't forget to review Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please!) 


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